So… here’s this thing, morning pages. Just uncensored stream of consciousness for three pages to make writing regularly a thing. And of course I’m compelled to write and introduction on my first one so here we are.
[Note, this is a lightly edited version of my first iteration of “Morning Pages” – a writing excercise designed to unblock creative-juices – from this morning. We may edit those and use them as blog material pretty regularly, given how this one went. We’ll see how it goes!]
It’s Fall finally. Today is the first day it’s cool and moist and smells like it’s the time. My favorite time. I’m fairly happy. Coming out of a period of crazy intense shadow-work, that ideally should lead to a pretty significant life restructuring and this is set to be a step in that towards… everything. Finally I feel the truth; I am worthy of success because I’m me and also because I’m valuable to the people around me who care and need me! This sounds simple (and probably makes people wonder “worthy of what” when they are told) but it’s really “worthy” on a very basic and primal level that had to be learned where many people seem to instinctively believe it. We’re not other people, but here we are, 37 and finally feeling worthy of fundamentals of life that aren’t expecting and feeling deserving of misery.
And that means it’s time to put plans into motion. To finally get the schedule that’s been percolating in our head but I’ve been viscerally struggling against this whole past year with all the Saturn-work. Going. It’s time to get it going.
And moving. We need to get things moving or we’re going to become… stagnant. This is a move to channel the chaos constructively. There are risks that we’ll watch out for. We need to not overdo completely… hmm. Three pages of this is going to be hard. Also I see why they say that doing it completely uncensored is hard. To just spew all these thoughts onto paper with only the organization that comes with the thinking and the doing and nothing more. No revision. I may occasionally backspace a single word, but nothing else.
The other tricky thing is that there’s just so much going on in our head at any given time. Kendall is literally thinking and wondering right now how we’ll do each other’s thoughts as we’re writing this. Taking the time to do indicators like we do vocally in person seems like it would really interrupt the process? That sentence was me, but the one where I mentioned him was mostly him. So you (I?) see what we mean.
Anyway it’s beginning to rain and I’m loving it (of course) so much! My mountain pours down gently today, bringing in the weather I’ve been asking for the past couple of weeks since we returned from Portland. Gosh it was nice up there! And that event with all of the magical people! It’s strange, the event has grown in my mind since leaving. The day we were there, or days rather, when we were meeting people and doing the things we were there for, other than family stuff; it all seemed much smaller than it was at the time.
I remember thinking that at the time even. Or one of us did, probably Kendall actually. (Hmm this is really becoming more like journaling than I expected it to be? I guess that’s stream of consciousness.) Anyway, Kendall and I and O all thought together about how unimpressed we were. I think a huge part of it was the time at the bar for drinks. All these people were cool but it was pretty awkward and we had a headache and we couldn’t work out why people kept gravitating to us. G and A and K all had clusters, as expected. And we didn’t feel comfy getting into those, especially with the horrible acoustics and overhead noise continuously going on, and whatever that horrible background hum was. We’ve never felt quite so neurodivergent than feeling like an outsider in a crowd of outsiders. Mmm… tea. We should have asked for tea that night! It would have made a better choice than the overcosted Scotch we ordered without thinking about money and expecting it to be relatively reasonable like Paddy’s back here.
And not just noise, O is pointing out, but really really difficult to process noise! I wonder if Ivy recommended that place or if it was a place one of the main three found online or something. Ivy also had a small cluster, but she was going around checking in with people, which was pretty much how I handled things. Thank goodness for Ivy, she is a sweetheart! Took care of Jaq and me both in various ways and times over the course of the thing. Meeting her, and then meeting with Marrow and David were really highlights! We do so much better in small groups.
Which makes me think about how we need to be building community here. Parties maybe. Meetups maybe, but they need to be situations where small groups can form and shift and change easily, and where no single person is the “star” of the show. On a local level that makes sense, and far better than having some person(s) who become the primary centers of attention.
St Louis. I think that’s where our first significant one will be. I weirdly, really want to go to the City Museum with other weirdos, but I’m not sure how that would look and if it would feel quite right for being interactive with each other. Hmm Unit Chief’s meeting is happening[here at our work]. It’s really weird seeing all these people who are considered “more important” than us in this work context, but ultimately in the long-run and for the purpose of humanity, on a broad or narrow scale, the only ones who will have as much influence as I have will probably be the ones who are functionally living influential ancestors for their kids and other descendants.
The only reason for that though is because we know better how things work and what all is at stake than they do. It’s very very strange. Working to make the world a better place for them in ways most of them wouldn’t think are real or significant… for greatness, if not apotheosis.
That’s the way being a witch or magician looks from the inside I guess. That sense of knowing that even the smallest things you do may have ramifications and significance that echoes through time. It’s a wonder really that more of us aren’t actively pursuing harmful and selfish ends with all this! Some are, of course, but most at least try their best to cope in some way with this sense of responsibility and to use their powers for more “good” than “evil”, whatever that may look like to them, in their unique contexts. I wonder if we [as a species] are better at those sorts of things in current contexts thanks to all the super-hero stuff? Spiderman praxis of coming to terms with power and responsibility. It’s an ongoing project we all have to face and decide how to pursue it in our own lives, once we realize the significance of our actions.
Hmm, some of this has blog-post potential! I have this feeling suddenly that edited versions of these pages will wind up as posts and suddenly we’ll have a thriving blog almost overnight? Wow. Magic and especially shadow-work really does do it’s thing, yet again! So many thanks to Auntie, Yeshua, and Saturn, once again. To close this out. Goodbye for the nonce!
Anarchronisma 